How To Help a Friend
Most survivors of sexual and relationship violence disclose the assault or abuse to at least one other person, usually a friend. You can't rescue your friend or solve her/his problems. But being there to listen, believe and support your friend in a positive way can greatly influence her/his healing process. The following suggestions/information can help you be a supportive friend.
Listen and Support
It's tough to be prepared when a friend tells you that she/he’s been the victim of sexual or relationship abuse. Faced with that situation, the worst thing you can do is nothing. Remember, you can't rescue your friends or solve their problems. You can only provide support.
- Support and understanding are essential. It takes a lot of courage for a survivor to share their experience;
- Try to provide a safe/non-judgmental environment, emotional comfort and support for the survivor to express feelings;
- Let her/him know that she/he can talk with you. Listen. Don’t rush to provide solutions.
Believe Your Friend
The most common reason people choose not to tell anyone about sexual abuse is the fear that the listener won’t believe them. People rarely lie or exaggerate about abuse; if someone tells you, it’s because she trusts you and needs someone to talk to.
- People rarely make up stories of abuse. It is not necessary for you to decide if she/he was “really hurt.” If the survivor says she/he was hurt, that should be enough;
- Believe what your friend tells you. It may have been difficult for them to talk to you and trust you.
- Sexual assault is NEVER the survivor’s fault. No one asks to be sexually assaulted by what they wear, say or do. Let the survivor know that only the perpetrator is to blame;
- The survivor needs to hear that fears, anxieties, guilt and anger are normal, understandable and acceptable emotions;
- Remember, no one ever deserves to be abused or harassed.
- Don’t press for details – let your friend decide how much to tell you. Ask she/he how you can help;
- Survivors have to struggle with complex decisions and feelings of powerlessness, trying to make decisions for them may only increase that sense of powerlessness.
- You can be supportive by helping your friend to identify all the available options and then help her/him by supporting their decision making process.
- The survivor can’t just “forget it” or just move on. Recovery is a long term process and each individual moves at his or her own pace.
- Encourage the survivor to seek medical attention, report the assault, and or contact SHARPP. Remember, the survivor must ultimately make the decision as to what to do. She or he is the experts in their own lives. Don’t push. Remember, support your friend’s choices no matter what they decide.
- Don’t tell others what the survivor tells you. Let the individual decide who he/she will tell. It is important not to share information with others who are not involved;
- If you do need to share information for your friend’s safety, get permission by letting your friend know what you will share and with whom it will be shared;
- Don’t confront the perpetrator. Though you might want to fix the situation or get back at the abuser, this could make things worse, for you and your friend.
- An important part of helping the survivor is to identify ways in which the survivor can re-establish his or her sense of physical and emotional safety. You are a step in the process. Ask your friend what would make her/him feel safe and how you can help them accomplish this.
- If the stalking or harassment is ongoing, help your friend to develop a plan of what to do if he/she is in immediate danger. Having a specific plan and preparing in advance can be important if the violence escalates.
- SHARPP can assist with creating safety plans that are specific to the situation and individuals involved.
Things you can say
It is hard to know what to say to a friends when they confide in you. Refrain from asking a lot of questions, instead, support your friend with these phrases:
You may also find it helpful to share with your friend what you have learned about violence. This is also a good time to share with them your belief in the possibility to heal. Let your friend know that you believe that she/he have the strength and capacity to heal.
Get Support for Yourself
Sometimes the family and friends of victims can also feel the impact of the crime, and experience emotional and physical reactions. This is called secondary victimization. Hearing about relationship abuse, sexual assault, and stalking can be upsetting. You may feel angry, sad, frustrated, and helpless. If you have experienced crime or other traumatic events in the past, your friend’s experience might bring up memories and feelings of that time. You may want to talk about your feelings but also respect your friend’s privacy. You too can contact SHARPP and speak to an advocate confidentially to get help for yourself.
Ask An Advocate
If you have questions about any of the material on this page, please call SHARPP at (603) 862-3494 or send us a question online using Ask An Advocate.