It’s four in the morning. I answered a knock on my door from a nervous resident- something about noise in the bathroom. Why do they always trash the bathrooms? Gotta pull some real pants on and investigate.
I hear it before I even walk in. Sharp cracks of ceramic and drunken, maybe drugged up, shouts. I walk in on three guys, all of whom look strung out. One’s holding a soap dispenser, and the other is at the opposite wall, straining vigorously against the other one.
“You boys take your hygene seriously. I’d stop right there if I were you, pal.”
–CRACK– He rips the dispenser right out of the tiles. White dust floats from the wall. He lets out a whoop and chucks the dispenser towards the bathroom stall. It blasts the door open and then there’s a splash
“Oh! What a shot!” they whoop and high-five each other. Now at this point, I can’t wait to put these guys on ice.
“Why do you dopes always trash the bathrooms? Wanna explain that to me? All right boys. Your number’s up. What are your names?” I pull my pen out and click it. Two of them whirl around. Obviously they didn’t hear me come in.
“Uh, dude?” one of them slaps the guy who threw the soap dispenser into the toilet on the shoulder. He turns to look at me, and pushes his hood off his head.
“Hey! It’s you!” I say.
“Whatdya mean me?” he asks.
“You pulled the fire alarm just as I was about to bust some pot smokers. Yeah, I remember your face.”
“What’re you talking about dude?” It’s a nice try, but he knows I recognize him. He fidgets.
“Well- it doesn’t matter now. Your goose is cooked.”
“Wait, man. Be cool, all right? We can fix this.” As soon as he says it, the automatic toilet flushes, and water spills on the floor after swirling around the soap dispenser. It clunks against the ceramic bowl in there.
“I doubt that. In fact, I think this is gonna go down like this: you lose your housing, you lose your financial aid, and drug use and property damage go on your record. That sound good?”
“Naw seriously like- two of us are engineers. We can legit fix this.”
Now the truth is I’m not as cruel or unforgiving as I might sound. I don’t mind giving kids a break. But I need information from these guys, especially the fire alarm puller. I need ‘em scared. They look it.
“Tell you what, boys. I’m gonna walk back out that door. If I come back in an hour, and this whole mess is fixed, maybe we all go home and go to sleep. No blood, no foul, know what I’m saying?”
They’re nodding eagerly. “But you.” And I point to fire alarm kid, “You’re coming with me.”
“Where are we going?”
“To get a cup of coffee.”
To be continued…