Information For Friends, Intimate Partners, and Other Allies of Sexual/Intimate Partner Violence Survivors

Support = Healing
Learning that someone you care about has been harmed is almost always a painful experience. Nearly everyone who finds him/herself in this situation wonders what s/he should say or do. But you don't need any special training or expertise to be an ally , just the willingness to offer a sympathetic ear and a commitment to the survivor's healing.

Despite greatly increased public awareness about sexual and intimate partner violence, a number of harmful myths persist. It is difficult to provide effective help if you don't have accurate and up-to-date information, and accurate information can go a long way in assuaging anxiety. SHARPP has specialized information packets available about various forms of sexual and intimate partner violence, as well as a packet designed especially for allies. Please stop by or call the SHARPP office to pick up these materials or any other literature that you might find useful. You might also wish to discuss your particular concerns with a knowledgeable listener. Trained advocates are available for you twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, just as they're available to survivors.

ABOUT THE HEALING PROCESS
Sexual and intimate partner violence pose significant challenges to a survivor's physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual wellbeing. S/he might be recovering from the physical trauma of an attack and might also be experiencing trauma-related medical symptoms, (digestive problems, headaches, insomnia, etc.) S/he might have a series of difficult decisions to make regarding working with police and courts, UNH systems, medical personnel, etc., as well as negotiating academics, employment, and family responsibilities. Common emotional responses include fear (from free-floating anxiety to outright terror), feelings of vulnerability, anger, depression, guilt, shame, and self-blame. Many survivors also experience anxiety about telling others what happened. Although there are a number of common concerns among survivors, there is a huge range of "normal" responses to trauma. One person might be outwardly calm while another appears more visibly agitated. Someone else may use humor or sarcasm as a defense. Regardless of the outward manifestations, sexual trauma has a profound effect on nearly everyone, and the healing process can take years, marked by gains and setbacks. But as Ellen Bass and Laura Davis elaborate in their landmark book, The Courage to Heal , "You go through the same stages again and again, but traveling up the spiral, you pass through them at a different level, with a different perspective."

CONCRETE WAYS YOU CAN HELP-SUGGESTIONS FROM A SURVIVOR

Send me encouraging notes from time to time.

Take me to places of nature.

Give me lots of hugs (with my permission please).

Ask me if I want to talk and take time to listen.

Understand when I am sad or in bad moods or angry.

Allow me to tell you the details. Give me space not to tell you all of them.

Allow me to cry, rage, or shake without telling me to stop or calm down.

Nighttime might be hard for me. It might help if you stayed at my place or let me stay at yours.

Give assistance to finding a counselor and/or advisor, if needed.

Read books and articles that could help us both.

Be yourself when you're with me! I am not damaged goods.

But the greatest gift any ally can give a survivor is to listen . Tell the survivor you believe him/her and that s/he is not to blame. Your supportive presence is probably what s/he will appreciate the most.

THE GIFT OF LISTENING
Many survivors struggle-some for years-before they tell anyone what has happened; disclosure requires tremendous courage and trust. It is a privilege when someone shares such personal information, so it is important that you respect what the survivor is saying and tell the survivor directly how honored you are by his or her confidence. It is also crucial that you respect the survivor's confidentiality. If the survivor discloses that s/he is currently involved in an abusive relationship, s/he could be putting him or herself at greater risk just by speaking up. Therefore, your discretion is all the more vital. If you need to talk with someone, a SHARPP advocate would be a safe and confidential person.

WHAT TO SAY/WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A SURVIVOR

Yes: "Someday the pain will diminish, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. What might make you feel better at this moment?"
No: "It happened so long ago. Why can't you move on already?"

Yes: "Even an attempted rape [or touch against your will, etc.] is really scary! I'd be upset, too." No: "Why are you so upset? After all, you weren't raped."

Yes: "You did what you could to survive. You should be proud of yourself for surviving."
No: "How come you didn't fight back?"

Yes: "I know it's scary to think about leaving, but have you thought about it? Maybe you can work with an advocate on a safety plan so you'll feel more okay about leaving when the time is right."
No: "Why don't you leave the jerk already?"

Yes: "Whatever was going on before, no one has the right to attack you."
No: "Why were you wearing that?" "Why were you drinking so much?" "What were you doing over there?"

Please don't take it personally if the survivor isn't ready to talk or seems to be shutting you out. Some people need more silence and solitude than others. Saying "I'm here, whenever you'd like to talk," or just providing your physical presence can be extremely comforting.

A note about anger: Anger is perfectly natural response to sexual and intimate partner violence, but venting anger directly to the survivor might make him or her think that s/he is the target of your anger. Expressing your desire to harm the perpetrator could contribute to the survivor's stress and anxiety. Try to express your anger to supportive friends or an advocate instead.

KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS AND ASK FOR HELP WHEN NECESSARY
Some individuals who have experienced trauma begin to suffer from certain psychiatric conditions, such as anorexia, bulimia, or compulsive eating; depression or suicidal feelings; abuse of alcohol or other drugs, or signs of Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), fomerly called Multiple Personality Disorder. Some survivors cut or physically abuse themselves in other ways. Such symptoms can offer the survivor a sense of control when s/he feels out of control. Nonetheless, if you discover that the survivor engages in any injurious behavior, please urge him/her to get professional help as soon as possible. The problems tend only to get worse when cloaked in secrecy and shame. If the survivor is not ready to seek help, you can always call a crisis hotline to receive information and support for yourself.

Note: SHARPP has literature available about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the link between sexual violence and eating concerns, self-injury, and ways to use relaxation techniques to combat the effects of stress. Please ask!

As much as you can support another person's healing, you cannot heal anyone except yourself. It is important that you recognize and define your limits and boundaries. A SHARPP advocate can assist. Many allies wish they could "fix" the survivor's problem so that the pain can end and life can return to normal as soon as possible. Although such a desire is perfectly natural, most survivors find that their lives are never exactly the same after a traumatic event. Nevertheless, with the support of caring allies, a survivor can certainly emerge from the experience, perhaps with some lingering pain, but almost always with newfound strength.

The information above applies to all allies. Your specific role, however, in the survivor's life is likely to shape the specific support you can lend. Family members, friends, intimate partners, course instructors, etc., can each play a valuable and unique role in supporting the survivor, and each role carries its unique challenges. Therefore, we provide links to specific information for friends and intimate partners.