How to help a friend
As a friend you may be the first or only person that a survivor tells about her/his experience. The following suggestions/information can help you be a supportive friend.
Listen and support
- Support and understanding are essential. It takes a lot of courage for a survivor to share their experience;
- Try to provide a safe/non-judgmental environment, emotional comfort and support for the survivor to express feelings;
- Let her/him know that she/he can talk with you. Listen. Don’t rush to provide solutions.
Reassure
- Sexual assault is NEVER the survivor’s fault. No one asks to be sexually assaulted by what they wear, say or do. Let the victim know that only the perpetrator is to blame;
- The survivor needs to hear that fears, anxieties, guilt and anger are normal, understandable and acceptable emotions;
- Remember, no one ever deserves to be abused or harassed.
Believe Her or Him
- People rarely make up stories of abuse. It is not necessary for you to decide if she/he was “really hurt.” If the survivor says she/he was hurt, that should be enough;
- Believe what your friend tells you. It may have been difficult for them to talk to you and trust you.
Be Patient
- Don’t press for details – let your friend decide how much to tell you. Ask she/he how you can help;
- Survivors have to struggle with complex decisions and feelings of powerlessness, trying to make decisions for them may only increase that sense of powerlessness.
- You can be supportive by helping your friend to identify all the available options and then help her/him by supporting their decision making process.
- The survivor can’t just “forget it” or just move on. Recovery is a long term process and each individual moves at his or her own pace.
Encourage
- Encourage the survivor to seek medical attention, report the assault, and or contact SHARPP. Remember, the survivor must ultimately make the decision as to what to do. She or he is the experts in their own lives. Don’t push. Support your friend in their choices no matter what they decide.
Respect Privacy
- Don’t tell others what the survivor tells you. Let the individual decide who he/she will tell. It is important not to share information with others who are not involved;
- If you do need to share information for your friend’s safety, get their permission by letting them know what you will share and with who it will be shared;
- Don’t confront the perpetrator. Though you might want to fix the situation or get back at the abuser, this could make things worse, for you and your friend.
Establish Safety
- An important part of helping the survivor is to identify ways in which the survivor can re-establish his or her sense of physical and emotional safety. You are a step in the process. Ask your friend what would make them feel safe and how you can help them accomplish this.
Safety plan
- If the stalking or harassment is ongoing, help your friend to develop a plan of what to do if he or she is in immediate danger. Having a specific plan and preparing in advance can be important if the violence escalates.
What to Say
It is hard to know what to say to a friend when they confide in you. The following are suggestions of things that might be helpful:
- It’s not your fault
- I’m sorry this happened
- I believe you
- I am glad you told me
- I’ll support your decisions
- You’re not alone
- What can I do to help?
- Tell your friend what you have learned about violence without preaching or telling him or her what to do.
- Believe in the possibility of healing. Let your friend know that you believe that they have the strength and capacity to heal.
Get Support for Yourself
Sometimes the family and friends of victims also feel the impact of the crime, and experience emotional and physical reactions. This is called secondary victimization. Hearing about relationship abuse, sexual assault, and stalking can be upsetting. You may feel angry, sad, frustrated, and helpless. If you have experienced crime or other traumatic events in the past, your friend’s experience might bring up memories and feelings of that time. You may want to talk about your feelings but also respect your friend’s privacy. You too can contact SHARPP and speak to an advocate confidentially.
Remember, you can’t rescue your friend or solve his or her problems.
Adapted from the Wayne State University Campus Safety Interaction Program