Students experience many changes during their college years. They are adjusting to being away from friends and family, and they are adjusting to academic rigors by balancing free time with work time. Another adjustment, and this is a big one, is transitioning to life at UNH with a roommate. A majority of our first year students are placed in traditional double rooms: two women or men sharing one room together. Some may be placed in triples with three occupants, others in quads with four college students, all in a shared space. A key phrase above is "shared space." These rooms are not huge, and living in close quarters with anyone, especially if your student has never lived with another person before, can be difficult at times. Here are some tips for you when you get the call from your student about his/her living arrangement issues:
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Listen. Listening is the single greatest thing you can do to allow your student the opportunity to vent. Up until this point, your student may have depended on her roommate to talk through difficult situations. When there is a problem with that roommate relationship, your student may not want to talk with that roommate and, instead, she may want to go to you to talk things through.
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Understand. Understand that there are two people involved in this issue. Your student is telling you the story from his perspective. As much as you think your student is telling the entire story, you may not be getting the whole picture. You're lacking one key component to the story - the roommate's perspective. Keep this in mind when you're talking to your student. Ask clarifying questions like "Have you mentioned this music issue to Sam?", or, "When you say Alex yelled at you - what was said?" Miscommunication is usually the number one reason most roommates have issues with each other. These miscommunication issues can range from differing expectations around living conditions to music, and from nightly/morning routines to general aggravations. Work with your student to figure out the root of the issue; it is probably deeper than your student even understands.
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Advise. This will be the most difficult step of all. Right now, your student may think she is not ready to handle this on her own. But, because it is her issue, she needs to reconcile it herself. As much as you may want to call the Hall Director or RA, advise your student to do it instead (hall staff are able to help students practice assertive conflict mediation skills). As much as you may want to drive down to the room and talk to the roommate yourself, encourage your student do it instead. Help her talk through her issues with you and then brainstorm ways to assertively talk with her roommate so they can come to a common ground.
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Follow-up. After you have advised him of the best possible action, follow-up after about a week. Don't expect your student to have immediately rectified this situation (even if it's the right thing to do). Your student needs some time to reflect, some time to articulate his arguments, and some time to just chill out. This issue has probably been happening for a lot longer than you think, so it may take some time for your student to figure out the best approach. If your student hasn't done something about it after a week, remind him (in your best parental voice) to figure it out. Maybe it's talking to the Hall Director or RA again. Dealing with these relationships takes time for students of all ages, as they do for many adults. Right now, you need to teach your student how to have meaningful conversations.
Remember, it is natural for roommate issues to occur from time to time. Please be patient with your student and with your student's roommate. The more you allow yourself to take a step back and evaluate the situation, the more you will provide your student with an opportunity to learn from this issue. So, sit back, relax, and use these steps to help your student practice good conflict mediation skills.
Matt Petersons, Upper Quad Hall Director
Office: 603-862-1155
matt.petersons@unh.edu
www.unh.edu/residential-life/uq.htm
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