What is assertiveness?
- Definition of assertiveness:
- - Assertiveness is behaviors and words that express a person's feelings, beliefs and opinions.
- - It should be done directly, firmly, and honestly.
- - Assertiveness involves respecting the other person's rights.
- - This is a SKILL that can be learned and practiced in an ongoing way.
- The ultimate goal of assertiveness is respect!
- - Self-respect: It allows you to feel self-confident and more in control of your life.
- - Respect from others: people can sense it when you respect yourself, so they'll treat you with respect in return.
Why aren't people assertive?
- Many of us have a fear of displeasing others, since then we won't be liked. But even though you can avoid immediate unpleasantness, you may ruin a relationship in the long run since you'll feel taken advantage of.
- It's "not nice" to put our own needs above those of others.
- We shouldn't "make waves" if someone says/does something we don't like.
Non-assertive communication styles
- Aggressive
A person stands up for his/her own rights, but in a way that violates the rights of others. This commonly results in put-downs of the other person, and it can cause people to lose respect for the speaker. - Passive-Aggressive
A person avoids direct confrontation (passive), but attempts to "get even" through manipulation or sneaky behavior (aggressive). - Passive
The speaker's rights will probably be violated. This style reflects the underlying belief that one's feelings aren't important, or that one is too weak to act on those feelings.
The implications of being non-assertive
- Depression- This is the end result of anger turned inward; it gives the person a sense of being helpless and hopeless with no control over his/her life.
- Anxiety- This leads to avoidance. If you begin to avoid uncomfortable situations/people, you may miss out on fun activities, job opportunities, etc.
- Poor Relationships- If you are unable to express both negative and positive emotions, others can’t tell what you want and need.
- Physical Complaints- Such as headaches, ulcers, and high blood pressure. These are all related to stress, and assertiveness is a great stress reliever!
Forming assertive statements
- Be direct; express your request in just a few easy-to-understand sentences.
- Think about yourself positively, and don't add qualifying statement (i.e. "You'll probably think I'm crazy, but...").
- Avoid demanding or blaming statements (i.e. You make me..., You think..., You should...).
- Use the "I" formula:
- I feel --- state your feeling
- When --- describe behavior
- Because --- concrete effect/consequence on your situation
- I'd prefer --- offer a compromise
- Feedback --- "Am I being clear? How do you see this situation?"
How you say things matters!
- Gestures
- - Relaxed use of these shows openness, self-confidence and spontaneity
- Voice tone, inflection and volume
- - Tone: level, well-modulated, conversational tone
- - Inflection: make sure your words sound like a statement, not a question
- - Volume: try not to speak too softly or loudly (stay calm)
- Fluency
- - Maintain a smooth flow of speech, with clear and slow statements.
- Body posture
- - Maintain an active and erect posture
- Facial expression
- - Your words should express the same message as your face
- Eye contact
- - Look directly at the person, but don’t stare too intently (look away occasionally)
