Let's Talk About Sexual Communication
Effective communication is essential to any type of healthy relationship, but it is imperative in a sexual relationship. What does your partner like or dislike? What feels good to your partner? What makes them smile? Good communication will help you to answer these questions. A few simple words confirming what you and your partner's desires are could save years of heartache. If your partner wants you to use 'protection' and you never asked, you could be in for a surprise. You may have one type of sex in mind and your partner may have another. In spite of what a certain former president has said, oral sex is still sex. Not being clear about expectations and desires could have consequences for both partners, including having to spend a long night at a hospital, a police station, or getting hurt.
Although verbal communication is the best form of communication, you may be able to tell what is acceptable to your partner without speaking. A common example of this is when an intimate partner places your hand on their genitals. Obviously you have consent to touch that area. However, this may not be a 'green light' to penetrate them or for them to penetrate you. Your best bet is always to ask them. Nobody wants to see women and men penetrated against their will or without their permission, but it happens on college campuses frequently. The bottom line is that you could be hurting your partner and yourself if you shy away from effective communication.
Communication can be even harder with the added complications of alcohol and other drugs. Drugs tend to fog a person's ability to give and receive information properly and to think clearly. Under the influence of alcohol or other drugs, some people tend to think that they can sing and dance well. Others believe they are strong and should prove it. Still others think that partners want to have sex with them. Sometimes they are wrong in these assumptions and bad things happen as a result. Like not wanting to hear that you're not the best dancer, many people choose not to hear the word "no." In some instances students are having sexual acts done to them after their ability to protest has been compromised. For this reason, both the NH state law and the UNH student code explain that people who are incapacitated cannot give consent. So please, talk about it before you do it. Someone could get hurt.
In a long-term relationship, effective communication about sexual desires is still needed. Having a long-term partner is not consent to sexual relations on demand.
Lastly, it is important that everyone understand that pressuring someone to have sex is more than immoral, it can be criminal under the states "coercion" section of the rape laws. No one owes sex to another person. You should never feel obligated to give sex. If you feel this way, communicate your feelings. It is always your right to say no. You alone own your body and you have the right to say yes and no when you want, and to whom you want. If you think your partner may feel pressured, the best way to find out is to ask them.
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