Office of Health Education & Promotion

A Series of Writings that Celebrate Sexuality and Gender Expression

Dear Dad, Love Ryan
by Ryan Walls

Dear Dad,
I'm writing this letter to you because I feel that paper and pen are a better medium on which to convey some of my feelings that I have held in over the last few months. It has been two years, this month, since I decided to take the frightening step out of the closet to first begin my journey of telling the people in my life that I am gay. I realize that many people, perhaps you included, question the motive behind telling other people that I identify as a gay man. Perhaps they might ask the question, "Why can't you just be gay but not tell people that you are?" In a perfect, judgment-free world, I would love to just live and not have to tell my friends or family. However, we live in a society that is intensely focused on heterosexuality and the assumption is constantly made in the media and in casual conversation that everyone is straight. This is not even close to the truth. What happens when this assumption is made? From my personal experience, if someone assumes that I am straight, they might ask me if I have a girlfriend and I'll answer honestly by saying "No." When, time after time, someone asks me and I never seem to have a girlfriend, I begin to feel awkward and feel as if they see me as strange or abnormal. You have taught me not to worry what other people think about me; I try not to let this affect me but I am only human and this does bother me. When, I am in situations where people aren't aware that I am openly gay, I fear that people think of me as a boy who can't find a nice girl to date or who is scared to be in a committed relationship or who is nervous around girls; the truth is, I'm not attracted to women in that way, I'm not scared to be in a committed relationship and have been in such a relationship and am not nervous or awkward around people to whom I'm attracted.

That being said, I think it is important to clarify some things; when I told Mom that I was gay, it wasn't a passing phase, or experiment, it wasn't that I'm bisexual and it wasn't that I'm scared of women. I told her because after years of thought, analyzing and self-reflection, I came to realize that my sexuality is real, it's here to stay and I'm almost 100% sure that it will not change. I also want to say that me being gay is in no way a reflection of you. I was essentially born this way and my environment or childhood had nothing to do with it.

After putting these things out in the open, I want to address something related to your family. As I continue to grow older, learn more about myself and have life experiences, it has become increasingly difficult to be around your family, people whom I love and people whom I know love me but still assume that I am straight. They are not to blame for this but I do think that it will soon be important for you or I to tell some or all of them that I am gay, that this is fine and that I am still the same person they have always known. I am not trying, in any way, to push my values upon them or make a show of my sexuality in any manner. Rather, I would like them to acknowledge it, accept it and treat me the same as they would otherwise. When I do have someone I want to meet my family, I fully expect you, Mom, Liz, Mom's family and your family to treat him exactly as you and they would treat a woman with whom I was in a loving relationship. This is only fair and is a reasonable expectation. Lastly, I want to reiterate something I said to you on the car ride home from the beach last spring: I am extremely proud of myself for taking the step to live my life honestly, openly and outright. There are plenty of men and women who spend their entire lives in a lie while either living a secret life or cowering behind something they don't have the courage to face and accept. I am not one of those people and choose never to be that way. It is said that perspective is everything in life. I perceive my sexuality as an incredible opportunity to smash any and all stereotypes, educate people, be more in touch with myself and people around me and to also hope to make life a little easier for someone who is struggling with the same questions with which I have struggled. Perhaps you perceive my lot in life differently, as a burden or an embarrassment or as a danger to my life. I want to show you that not all gay men lead irresponsible lives, do drugs and have unprotected sex.

I hope that this letter helps to clear up some confusion for you, gives you window into my mind and peaks your curiosity so that you might take more of an interest in my thoughts, my feelings and my life. I look forward to continued conversations in the future.

Love, Ryan

Ryan Walls is a 2003 UNH Graduate. He currently works as an Academic Advisor for undeclared Freshman and Sophomores in the College of Liberal Arts.