Office of Health Education & Promotion

A Series of Writings that Celebrate Sexuality and Gender Expression

Somewhere in Between: The Journey to Fluid
by Briana Sevigny

I remember my first year in high school, having a couple of friends who were lesbians and being really interested to know that something aside from the traditional boy-girl relationship existed. Of course i’d heard of being gay before, but i’d never been exposed to it, never understood it as anything other than Hollywood or far-removed. i had always felt different, but i wasn’t sure what that meant. i didn’t have a context from which to understand my own sexuality. These women i met totally impressed me because of their variety of involvements and activities; some were at the top of the popular crowd, some were four year varsity athletes, some were leaders in a number of organizations- to cut it short, cool, smart and equally as able as everyone else. After talking with these women and understanding more what a lesbian was and what it meant to be one, i wasn’t sure that the label fit me. i still liked boys, but girls were definitely attractive to me, too...what did it mean?

Since i didn’t have a title, i decided that i would just like both. I remember telling one of the lesbians i hung out with that i liked girls, too and after getting over the fact that i was a varsity cheerleader, she said in a matter-of-fact way, “so you’re Bisexual.” It was like she was telling me who i was. So i adopted the title. Bisexual, flexible, able to pick from a much bigger population. It sounded great and i had pretty receptive friends and family that supported my realization of my sexuality. It was an exciting time.

And then i got into my first serious, long-term relationship with a woman. i had dated a few girls here and there, but this was the real thing. She was a beautiful, intelligent, well-liked and charismatic woman who always made me laugh. It was a very happy time in my life and i will never forget it. However, the topic of my sexuality came up on more than a few occasions. Since my lady was a lesbian, she had insecurities about the fact that i was also attracted to men. Would i leave her for a man? Was i secretly desiring a penis when we had sex? Would i feel only half-fulfilled by a woman or also need a male partner in addition to her? The answer to each of these questions was clearly “No,” but she could not relate as well to my identity since she did not share it. It took work to convince her. We bought books, had long conversations about it and even some arguments. By the end of it all, we realized that both of us had curiosities about men and women; we just chose to express them differently.

As i began my college career i became more and more exposed to other sexualities and genders. College brought me the education, but also some stigmas. A “friend” of mine offered me upwards of $500 to have sex with a woman (preferably the one i was dating, because that way it would be “real”) in front of him and a large group of his friends. i was shocked by this request, first because i didn’t think a friend would ask this and secondly because i realized how vastly off was his understanding of Bisexuals. It seemed that finding a place in the heterosexual community was going to be difficult-i was viewed a sexual deviant, promiscuous and indecisive. Although i was certainly well received in the Gay and Lesbian community, here too it was difficult to find a place. If i dated men, i was a traitor. If i was dating a woman, shouldn’t i just be a lesbian? Both hetero- and homosexuals were saying it was just a phase, that it was only a matter of time before i picked one side or the other, for good.

It’s gotten easier over time, the Bisexual movement has certainly made a capital B for itself, but there are still issues out there to be addressed, more than i can touch upon here. It is more than a phase, it is more than LaRissa’s hit song “I Do Both Jay and Jane”, it is more than Grace kissing Karen after a few drinks on one episode of Will & Grace, it is more than base sexual expression. It’s just one more way to express love and commitment to another person who is willing to do the same.

As i continued in college, i came to another turning point. As a result of being a member of the GLBTQQA (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, Questioning and Allied) Alliance and becoming a Safe Zones Peer Educator, i became more educated on the ‘T’ of our alphabet soup, as it’s called. That’s the first time i had heard that gender was fluid, unfixed. I realized more about the gender roles we are expected to fulfill and fit in our society and that there is much more to a human being than our sex organs; it’s not limited to pink or blue, anymore. Sex and Gender are different. The sexual identity that i had chosen to identify with was inherently based on a binary gender system (male/female). For me, i was excluding Transgendered folks from my repertoire. i was refusing to let them even exist, whether or not i chose to date them, in the world of my sexual identity. If gender was fluid, and sexuality is so closely identified with gender, then why couldn’t sexuality be fluid, too?

So i’m fluid. i try not to discriminate based on sexuality, sex, gender, race or religion (sorry, i do still have some issues with age). It’s not that i’ll take whoever i can get- i’m actually quite picky- i’d just rather look at the person for what’s in their heart and between their ears rather than between their legs, in their skin or in their genes. i take it day to day. Some days i like some people better than others, but i have realized that as my right, my power, my gift. Now i am dating a beautiful, biracial, Christian woman who chooses not to identify at all. Although we seem very different, we learn from each other everyday. More and more i’m realizing that maybe it’s not about what makes us and all people different, but rather, what makes us the same.

Briana Sevigny is a UNH graduate.