A Series of Writings that Celebrate Sexuality and Gender Expression
Finding Connection On Line
by Bob Coffey
The Internet. For many of us, it’s become an indispensable tool – part of our daily existence. We can use it to call up the most current news headlines, buy movie tickets, check on tomorrow’s weather forecast, conduct research, and do countless other tasks. And, for many of us, it’s a way to meet new people. As early as 1995, Time magazine announced that 80 percent of Internet users had gone online seeking “contact, commonality, companionship and community”. “The Internet”, observed reporter Jill Smolowe, “brings together those with mutual interests who, for reasons ranging from geography to social and income disparity, would otherwise have never met.”
For gay people, and gay and bisexual men in particular, the Internet has become a powerful new means of communicating with one another. Despite the progress of the recent past, being gay or bisexual continues to carry a stigma in our society. Many gay or bisexual men worry that coming out means risking their relationship with family and friends, or may put them at risk of becoming the targets of anti-gay harassment or violence. As such, many gay and bisexual men – across the UNH campus and around the country – use online chat rooms as a means of overcoming their social isolation. These chat rooms are virtual meeting spaces where gay and bisexual men can talk, make new friends and reconnect with old ones, solicit or give advice, negotiate a sexual encounter, ask or answer questions, and do so in near complete anonymity.
For many gay men, the possibility of making a connection with a peer in this way is nothing short of revolutionary. “It’s infinitely important!” declares Todd*, 19, a gay man living in a small New Hampshire town. “I came out online, a start that led to coming out in reality. I felt a lot more comfortable at first chatting online. I’m a lot happier now that I’m basically out.” Jim*, a gay man living near Portland, is out to family, co-workers and friends, but uses the Internet to expand his social circle. “When I was first coming out, talking to other gay men online helped me discover that my experiences had a lot in common with those of other men. It’s also helped me to stay connected to a broader, sometimes hidden community of gay men.”
Even as many gay and bisexual men report positive experiences from their use of the Internet, other encounters have been frustrating or unsettling. John notes that, as intimate as online conversations can feel, “I learned to remember that these other folks are strangers, and that there isn’t necessarily a lot of accountability online. You can lie about your appearance, your living situation, whatever.” Off-line encounters with men he’d initially connected with over the Internet were also inconsistent. “I talked with many guys on the phone, met some face to face, went on some dates, had some sexual encounters. Most were positive experiences…although some individuals lied about their appearance or their age.” More disturbing is Todd’s account of an off-line encounter that turned violent, resulting in his being physically assaulted. Phil*, an openly gay teacher living in Massachusetts, is more sanguine about any safety concerns involved in taking an Internet conversation off-line: “I know who I am. If a meeting didn’t turn out the way I want it to - I wouldn’t stay - and being 6'4”, I’m not easily intimidated!”
Even as John has met many new friends online, he continues to feel some dissatisfaction. “It's not so much that I don't feel connected; it's more that I think we could do more to create a respectful, loving community.” If, as John and others have discovered, the Internet has become a new tool to bridge the social isolation that divides gay men from one another, is there a way for us to use this tool in a manner that more consistently promotes mutual respect?
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