A Series of Writings that Celebrate Sexuality and Gender Expression
Being In Our Sex-uality
by Kathleen Grace-Bishop & Katy Norris
“It’s a girl”... these three simple words begin a woman’s continuing experience with her sexuality. Starting at birth women are sent messages about their sexuality, what it should be, what it can’t be and what it is. From their families they learn a sampling of the over 100 slang words for vagina, anything but the anatomically correct term for the organ. They learn that although it feels good to touch down there that it is not ‘lady-like’ and that it should not be done. As if any parent would stop their child from activities, such as swimming in the pool, just because it feels good.
As girls become young women they grow increasingly aware of the sexuality they possess. From fashion magazines to pop icons, girls see sexuality portrayed as a beauty contest. To have external beauty and to get a man is to be a woman. This is full of heterosexual bias, in addition to other misconceptions.
We have been given messages that we shouldn’t talk about sex or sexuality openly, so it is shrouded for so many of us in secrecy. That our sexuality is something to be ashamed of – maybe another reason why so many of us can’t celebrate our bodies or feel comfortable touching them, or why we only have sex in the dark. It takes a lot of energy to block these unhealthy messages and only let in the healthy ones, to struggle with our own sense of sexuality and move towards a sense of self as a sexual being.
Sexuality is a tough word to define. Although many have tried, their textbook-like definitions often fall short of the true meaning. Take for example the World Health Organization’s definition of sexuality as, “the integration of the somatic, emotional, intellectual and social aspects of sexual well being in ways that are positively enriching and that enhance personality, communication and love.” If that doesn’t sound like a multiple exam question in the making, I don’t know what does.
Defining sexuality is tricky, to say the least. Let’s just start with the first three letters, SEX. It contains this action word, however it’s not just about “sex.” It’s much more. We are sexual beings even if we are not having sex.
Sexuality is what we know deep inside about ourselves, when we are able to free ourselves from all the messages about who we should be, how we should act, how we should feel, and whom we should love. Hopefully we can all be true to who we really are. It is about whom we are attracted to. It is about our relationships with others, both male and female. It is connected to every part of ourselves-physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual.
Our sexuality depends upon so many things, from the family that raised us, to our personal experiences as an adult. We can recognize that sexuality is a continuum, ever evolving with every cycle and year that passes. What sexuality is to me could be completely different to what sexuality is to you, to what sexuality is to our mothers, and what sexuality will be to our daughters.
Our personal sexuality begins with an understanding of sexuality. We must define and claim our personal sexuality and not let the culture, media, our friends, family or even men that tell us what our sexuality means or what we should do with it. We must have the knowledge of how our bodies work, what happens to us through the weeks, months and years of being a woman. At this point sexuality seems like this big issue, this challenge that we must conquer, yet it isn’t. Sexuality is in our everyday lives; from how we dress, to the relationships we involve ourselves in and who we are as women. Our sexuality is a part of us, a part of our personality. Just as much as our physicality, we must love, honor and respect our sexuality.
Our sexuality, like other aspects of ourselves, is ever changing. Learning about our sexuality and becoming comfortable with ourselves as sexual beings is a process that takes time and attention. We can reflect on what we have learned, what has and continues to influence our sexuality, and what we have experienced. We can talk about these experiences with others that we trust, especially other women. These women can be like us but they could also be different from us because we can learn so much about ourselves through difference. We can expose ourselves to information and experiences that challenge us and our perception of sexuality, experiences that empower us to explore, understand, and celebrate our sexuality. Such opportunities might include going to women’s health programs or seeing “The Vagina Monologues,” a play written from interviews with over 200 women about their own experiences with their vaginas and their sexuality. Through diverse opportunities like these we are able to understand our personal sexuality in the best way possible.
Our sexuality is a dynamic and exciting aspect of who we are. Without it, we would not be whole. Choosing to honor our sexuality is a part of loving and valuing ourselves.
Kathleen Grace-Bishop is the Associate Director for Education and Promotion of Health Services. Katy Norris is a 2003 UNH graduate.
Back
Accredited by: