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Very Model of a FV Researcher

(Tune: I am the very model of a modern major general, Pirates of Penzance)

                                                    I
I am the very model of a family violence researcher
I have a PhD from alma mater UNH, for sure

I knew both Kempe and Pizzey in the ancient  days most halcyon
Can quote you classic theory both Walkerian and Strausian

I’ve funded grants from OCAN, NCCAN, NIH and NIJ
When I submit an article the journals publish right away

To do forensic interviews attorneys vie to hire me
I’ve never had a protocol rejected by my IRB                       

Then I can flatter batterers to test with cocker spaniel eyes
Use varimax rotations when I data factor analyze

In short although I could have been a wealthy Wall Street mergerer
I am the very model of a family violence researcher.                                    

 

                                                   II

My population surveys all are carefully post-stratified
When I regress, normality assumptions are all satisfied

I know just how to rig the scales to make a graph most devious
In seconds, I can catalog the faults of the NCVS

And I can squeeze the CBC into the items time permits
While fully armed with confidentiality certificates

I’m called on by the media t’explain the latest wrinkle for
Reporters all confused by all the newest news from Finkelhor

Yes, I can read a Rorschach and a highly brutal batterer spot
And estimate a point two correlation from a scatterplot

I’ve always said development is neither nature/nurturer
That’s why I am the model of a family violence researcher

                                                   III

I am the very model of a family violence researcher
I have a massive contact list for e-mail or for e-merger

With structural equations there’s nobody  who’s more orthodox
I’m very good at telling when a Munchausen is being proxed

I’ve always known  convergent from discriminant validity
I score the double MPIs with dazzling  rapidity

Am I a genius, yes, you may reject the null hypothesis!
I know a lot of you are saying what a lot of rot this is

But I’ve briefed the Surgeon General, I often lunch him, in fact
And authored three amendments to the Violence against Women Act

In short, I’m sure you’ve heard enough about my pedigree search, sir
I am the very model of a family violence researcher.

Although I’m sure you’ve heard enough about my pedigree search, sir
I am the very model of a family violence researcher