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Get it to the Feds On Time

(Tune: Get me to the church on time)

 I’ve got a grant due in the morning
Whoo – ey this idea’s so sublime
I know you’re delighted, I started to write it
We’ll get it to the Feds on time

I’ve only twenty-nine more pages
Just got to think of a design
We’ll paste in some sections from last year’s rejections
And get it to the Feds on time

We’ll need endorsements. Some recommends
Some reinforcements. Get on the phone and call your friends

What implications should I proffer?
Let’s say that this will wipe out crime
Then add some twaddle, for our logic model
And get it to the Feds on time

We’ll make it sound all scientific
This funder ain’t no Guggenheim
In 30 locations say structural equations
And get it to the Feds on time

Make sure the abstract is imposing
Use lots of words like “paradigm”
Then throw in a flowchart to fill up the slow part
And get it to the Feds on time

Make up some new words, they’ll like the looks
Google reviewers, be sure to cite their books a few times

Fill up some pages full of numbers
Make like we justified each dime
Lard up the budget, so what if you fudge it
Just get it to the Feds on time

If double spacing is what they want
And it runs over, try another font like Dover

This thing has got to go out pronto
Wake up the Dean and have her sign
And get the VP, to hell if he’s sleepy
Just get it to the Feds
Drag them from their beds, but
Get it to the Feds on time